


Reconciliation

by rilarilarin, tigerxbutterfly



Category: Alice Nine
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-08-16 13:29:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8104204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rilarilarin/pseuds/rilarilarin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerxbutterfly/pseuds/tigerxbutterfly
Summary: It's been four years since Tora and Saga began dating, and even longer since they became friends. Still, they have things to learn about trust and communication, before things fall apart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! so we read fan reports of tora's birthday live and read certain antics of his... which led to us angsting out this fic because clearly, we love to suffer \\(^o^)/ (and maybe to mend our broken hearts that way LOL) also we've spoken about collaborating before and we're finally doing it!! we hope everyone enjoys this fic as we write! <3

"Birthday boy, wake up."

Tora's brain was finally awake after feeling a tug and soft caresses on his hair. He didn't want to wake up, the warmth coming from the blanket and the body weight beside him was preventing him from doing so. He was too comfortable to even move. But another weight on the side of his neck insisted on disturbing him, causing him to grumble in response.

The culprit of the body weight just chuckled and sank his face further into the orange-haired man's neck before finally uttering some words again that the tattooed guitarist could not fathom. He grunted again and forced himself to turn over so he could face the man who was pinning on to him. Without warning, he circled his arms around the lanky frame by the torso, earning a protest from the other.

“Wake up you lazy ass. You got a live to do,” the lanky bassist chided playfully as he tried to break free from his lover.

Tora just hummed, eyes still closed. “What time is it?”

“10. What time are you supposed to be there?”

“1 the latest.”

“Good. You still have a lot of time to shower and eat then. Get up!”

The bassist tried to break free again but the guitarist wouldn’t have that.

“Wait. Let me hold you for a little more while.”

Saga sighed exasperatedly but still fond. He finally gave in and circled his arms around his boyfriend’s neck, realizing that they were indeed in an awkward position but he didn’t mind so much.

They stayed like that for a few minutes before Saga finally thought it was enough. He propped himself up on his elbow on either of the guitarist’s head and looked down on the face that he adored so much. He watched as his significant other slowly opened his eyes and smiled. They stared at each other lovingly for a while before Saga leaned in to give him a peck on the lips.

“Happy Birthday, Torashii.”

Tora just chuckled and rubbed their noses together. “You’ve already said it many times since last night.”

“And I will say it over and over until midnight.”

The tattooed guitarist chuckled again and embraced the other again. His mind travelled back to last night where the bassist came to his place with a cake already lit at exactly midnight. Tora just laughed at that because truthfully, he knew Saga was going to do this for him. It was his habit now over the years they’ve been dating. Every year, Saga would do this to him and Tora never got tired of it because it always successfully made his birthday special.

He was lucky to have such a devoted, caring boyfriend like Saga, he knew. Even if they had gotten off on the wrong foot initially, it had long since become an amusing memory they shared, something to tease Saga about in particular. Now, the time they spent together was nothing short of precious, whether they were talking or working together or playing games - or often, simply enjoying each other’s company, curled up with each other.

“Tora, we - well, you - really should get up, or Shou’s gonna yell at us,” Saga giggled after a while, squirming in Tora’s hold.

“Us? I’m the one performing.”

“Yeah, but our demon king is going to assume I’m the one who made you late. I mean, he’s right most of the time, but...”

“Well, that is a pretty good point. But it _is_ my birthday, do you think he’d give me a bit of leeway?”

“Not likely. Get your lazy ass up, Tora, and maybe we can have a bit of fun later.”

Tora sat up almost immediately, pulling Saga along with him, who let out a yelp and a gasp of laughter. “Promise? Come on then, we haven’t got time to waste, right?”

Saga had his arms around Tora’s neck, cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “W-wait! Let go first, or are you going to carry me all the way out?”

“Hmm, not the first time I’ve carried you, is it?” grinned Tora, promptly standing up with Saga safely ensconced in his arms.

Saga shifted in his hold, his cheeks bright pink, lips curved into a smile. Tora was not sure when he would ever stop marveling at Saga’s weight - or lack thereof, rather. With the sheer amount of food that Saga ate on a daily basis, he _ought_ to be heavier, but no, he was as much a beanpole as ever (even if he had the slightest beer belly now, though not that Tora minded at all).

“Man, if you were carrying me, you’d probably break your arms immediately,” Tora sighed as he finally, carefully put Saga down as they reached the kitchenette.

Saga stuck his tongue out at him. “No, thank you. I’d much rather be broken in another way.”

“S-Saga!”

“What? It’s true!”

Tora groaned and shook his head, electing to get out the ingredients for breakfast instead. He felt Saga tiptoe and kiss his cheek, whispering, “Not mad, are you?”

“Mm? Of course not. Though, if I were you, I guess I could think of some way to make you apologize...” Tora smirked.

Saga laughed, poking Tora’s stomach. “Oh, you are just as bad, don’t even pretend to hide it!”

“Hey!” Tora protested as he tried to avoid the other. “Okay, okay. Whatever, geez…” He laughed, and put down the ingredients on the counter.

They soon began to cook their breakfast, or rather, brunch. During the whole hiatus, Saga had learned how to cook and Tora was impressed on how his lover was still learning until now. The bassist’s cooking gradually got better and better and Tora had to admit that it was a benefit for him although Saga still didn’t think about calorie balances and such. It was still good though as long as Saga didn’t poison them both (thankfully, he had clearly succeeded so far).

They talked over brunch—about how the live would turn out, about celebrating again with the rest of the A9 members and of course, after that, with them—laughing at the silly suggestion that the bassist made. The atmosphere grew so relaxed that both of them were reluctant to leave the dining table. Unfortunately, though, time was chasing Tora, and Saga was the one who forced the guitarist to get up and take a shower. After finally obeying, Saga continued to wash the dishes while Tora was walking away to the bathroom. Once the bassist was finished, he followed suit and saw that the tattooed guitarist had only just finished brushing his teeth.

They knew that it always was not a good idea for them to take a shower together when they were in a hurry—well this case for Tora—because they knew that one innocent thing could lead into something more. They were right when the guitarist accidentally (or was it?) rubbed the younger’s groin. To Saga’s foolishness, he groaned and the desire that Tora had been trying to hold back flared up. Not-so-innocent touches escalated into kisses, and soon kisses became needs of wanting more.

“Tora, wait. We - you don’t have time… oh, there…” Saga panted weakly as soon as he broke the kiss, the last vestiges of sanity still claiming him.

Tora ignored him, though, and kept on lavishing Saga’s body with kisses. The other could not resist moaning aloud, though his brain reminded him that Tora had a live to go to. Yet his heart and body craved more – they could make it quick after all, couldn’t they? Just as long as Tora didn’t stop touching him, his large hands deliciously hot on his skin.

All Saga could do was hold onto Tora’s hips for support as he moaned into his mouth, sharing even more kisses that left their lips tingling and just a tad swollen. Each other’s names left their lips as they came together, the heat of their bodies nearly too much to bear.

Tora opened his eyes first, taking in the sight of his lover, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he panted, his lips red and swollen, his usually-pale skin flushed with arousal. God, he was beautiful.

Saga finally opened his eyes, too, and smiled weakly at him. “N-now are we going to shower properly? Y-your live…”

“Right, right, yeah, almost forgot,” Tora grinned.

Saga let out another deep sigh, trembling ever so slightly as he regained his composure. “Don’t forget your own birthday live, idiot tiger,” he murmured without heat, lightly slapping Tora’s arm (though, if he took the opportunity to lightly squeeze his bicep, who could blame him?).

Once they were completely finished and got out, Tora cursed when he glanced at the clock. It was already 12, and he needed half an hour or so to get there in time. He rushed getting clothed, not really caring what he was wearing as long as it was decent. Saga just watched from the bedroom door with a sympathetic smile. Still with the towel around his waist, he helped his lover get ready; giving the elder man anything else necessary, and soon Tora was ready to go. All except for his hair, which was still damp. As Saga was about to help dry it, Tora refused gently with a kiss and continued towards the foyer of his apartment for his shoes and keys.

“I’ll see you later, okay? Wish me luck!” Tora said as he cupped the younger man’s face in one hand before pecking the lips he loved so much.

Saga kissed him back and watched as his boyfriend exited the apartment, and followed to stand at the doorway.

“Good luck, I love you…” he muttered, hopefully enough for the elder man to hear, but he only got a smile in response.

He remained there even after Tora had gone inside the elevator. He stared for a moment before realizing that he was still half-naked and immediately got back inside, chest suddenly feeling heavy as he closed the door.

\--

Tora sighed in relief when he arrived at the venue in time. Well, not really because Shou, as always, got there first. He wasn’t surprised when he saw fans already lining up for goods outside the venue from inside the taxi. After alighting, he greeted the fans as he passed by them. Once he was inside, he was immediately guided by the staff to the backstage area.

“Yo, birthday boy!” greeted Shou then glanced at the clock. “Five minutes late,” he declared.

“It wasn’t Saga’s fault,” Tora protested.

Shou just laughed. “I wasn’t even going to accuse him!”

Tora just rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

Shou leaned forward then to give his long-time friend a hug.

“Happy birthday, Tora. Another special day to spend with the fans!”

“Yeah, thanks. I can’t wait to spend it with them too.”

They broke apart and grinned at each other, somehow feeling a strong connection between them. Tora’s heart was at ease and he couldn’t help but feel so happy. Of course, he had to. It was a special day and he was going to spend it doing something he loved most, performing.

Their supporting members arrived, wishing Tora a happy birthday as well. Tora thanked them, smiling, sharing in each other’s excitement about the live. After a few more moments’ small talk, they began their final rehearsal for the day at last, making preparations should anything go wrong (which, hopefully, would not).

It was a couple of hours before the show when they got their looks ready. Tora took a deep breath and prepared himself before exiting backstage to greet the VIP fans. He was ready to make this night an awesome night.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you for waiting! We've been trying to get as much writing and editing done as possible ^o^ May everyone enjoy this chapter, too!!

Saga put down the guitar as he realized that he was stuck. He had been trying to make music for the past few hours in Tora’s apartment, practicing old tunes and trying to write new stuff. He glanced at the clock on the wall before him and smiled. It was already half past eleven, and he assumed that the birthday live was over. Brimming with curiosity, he reached to grab his phone and open up Twitter. He browsed for a while before typing into the search engine.

He began to scroll down, commenting to himself on whatever amused him. Judging from tweets, the live was fun and so was the after party. He never expected them to cover Gackt’s Vanilla, certainly one of the singer’s most iconic songs. He scrolled and scrolled again until one tweet really caught his attention. Tapping on it, he started to read further. He knew it shouldn’t bother him much, but it did.

_At the after party, Shou and Tora leaned so close to each other and they even kissed each other. I’m so surprised!! Kyaa_

He tapped the back button and scrolled down, only to find another one that made his stomach clench.

_It’s so sweet! Shou rearranged Tora’s hair so lovingly after the acoustic version of DIE FOR YOU._

He shook his head and scrolled down again, this time; the tweet was really getting to him. His heart tightened as he read it.

_Holy shit! Tora put a hand on Shou’s shoulder and called him ‘my husband!’ LOL_

What?

Saga stared at the iPhone screen for a long while, mind occupied with unwanted thoughts. Questions and possibilities were running around his head. Did this really happen? Did Tora really call Shou his ‘husband’ in front of the whole audience? Was he drunk when he said this? Or… Was it only a joke?

Reading more tweets served to confirm the truth – they had certainly kissed, and Tora had definitely called Shou his husband, drunk.

Saga tried to reason that this was only a joke, that his lover did what he did in order to only please the fans. And of course, when Tora was drunk, he definitely had a predilection for being affectionate, often talking about how much he liked the members.

Even so, did he have to go that far? Maybe he could let it slip if Tora said that Shou was only his boyfriend, but husband? Even as a joke, it wasn’t all that funny to Saga. Why? Because, all this time that they had been dating, Tora had never, even once, mentioned Saga as his ‘husband’ even if it was just a joke for them or the other members. Did Tora really feel that strongly towards Shou?

Or was Saga just overreacting? God, he probably was, wasn’t he? It had to be just fanservice, just a joke, and nothing more. Saga did stuff like this too, anyway, and Tora didn’t mind, right? Tora did still love him… didn’t he? But then – Saga realized, pain suddenly lancing through his heart, that he couldn’t quite remember the last time that Tora had told him that he loved him. Tora’s answering smiles now seemed noncommittal, and so did his kisses. Maybe, maybe…

Saga’s rambling thoughts were interrupted by the uneven footsteps coming from outside the apartment. Closing the app, Saga put his phone back down again on the coffee table as he listened to the noise outside. As the heavy footsteps got closer and closer to the door, Saga knew that it was the tattooed guitarist. He got up from the sofa and walked towards the foyer, listening to the rustling of keys as he stood behind the door. Perhaps Tora was struggling to find the right keys, so Saga tried to open it instead. But the click of the door unlocking was heard, and he hurriedly stepped back when the elder of the two suddenly pushed open the door, stumbling inside. Saga’s first thought was Tora was definitely tipsy.

“Oh, hi Sagacchi,” Tora greeted with a grin, the grin that Saga recognised when Tora was drunk.

“Geez, Tora… how much did you drink?” Saga chided as he helped the tipsy man inside, locking the door behind them.

“I just got home and this is what I get?” Tora grumbled good-naturedly as he stumbled slightly while taking off his shoes, then proceeded further into the apartment.

Saga sighed as he followed suit behind him. He pulled the other’s hand and gently turned his lover to face him.

“Welcome back,” the bassist greeted softly as he cupped the guitarist’s face in one hand.

The guitarist smiled widely and leaned his forehead against the younger man’s. “I’m home.”

Saga closed his eyes. “How was the live?”

“Oh! It was awesome!” Tora cheered as he pulled away from the bassist. “It was such an awesome night, Saga! The fans were also awesome! It really ended with a great vibe!”

Saga had to smile at his lover’s excitement. “I’m glad to hear that,” he said, meaning it.

“Ah, but aside from that, this is what I’ve been looking forward to for the whole day,” Tora said as he cupped his beloved’s face with both hands and started to lean in.

“Ugh. You reek of alcohol, Tora!” Saga protested and successfully avoided the other’s kiss by turning his head to the side.

“Aw, but ain’t the first time we’ve kissed drunk…”

“Yeah, but….!”

“But…?”

Tora pulled back a little and stared at his lover. Saga turned to face the other man as well, but didn’t say anything. Tora frowned, clearly confused.

“Mm, this morning you promised that we’re going to have a little bit of fun, right?” he murmured, looking alarmingly like a lost puppy (or kitten, for that matter). “Is there something else…?”

Saga bit his lower lip. “I know, but we have a live tomorrow! It’s midnight, and you really need your rest. Another day, okay?” he said, forcing a smile, hoping that Tora was drunk enough not to notice.

Saga hated lying. The truth was, he didn’t want to deal with anything intimate tonight, not when his thoughts were still full of the tweets he discovered earlier. Not when his heart was still feeling uneasy. Neither did he want to bring the issue up when they had a live the very next day, and he certainly didn’t want their private problems to affect an important live – one with other people they hugely respected to boot.

“Yeah, sorry,” Tora said, and yawned as he stood up unsteadily. “Let’s just sleep, then?”

“Go take a shower first, you stink,” Saga scolded lightly.

Tora’s silly answering grin made Saga’s heart skip a beat, and he found that his own smile wasn’t quite as forced as before. Whatever it was, there was no way to deny that he loved Tora. Tora was always caring, and kind, and treated him well, but… Oddly, it only made Saga hurt more.

As soon as Tora had gone to the bathroom, Saga made his way to the bedroom. To his horror, he found tears begin to prick his eyes. All he could think about now were those tweets. Looking at Tora’s lips only made him think about them being on Shou’s instead, uttering sweet nothings to him.

Wasn’t he just being a hypocrite? Hadn’t he kissed Shou on stage before, along with Hiroto? Hadn’t he acted just as affectionate before, flirting on stage or at various band events? He’d even been cosying up with Nao at their own Alternative lives, hadn’t he?

Tora’s response then had been mild, teasing jealousy, with a night that was, to put it lightly, spent very intimately together. And here Saga was, thoughts running wild with doubt overtaking his mind. If Tora didn’t love him anymore, if Tora was interested in someone else like Shou instead… (and why shouldn’t he? Hadn’t they known each other longer, hadn’t they always been openly close?) It hurt to think about letting Tora go.

Saga buried his face in the pillow, making sure that he was facing away from the door, away from the side that Tora could see. The pillow smelled like Tora, and Saga tried very, very hard to stop the tears from leaking onto it. Tora would know, wouldn’t he?

He heard footsteps again, and the door opened. Saga tried to stay still, hoping that Tora wouldn’t realise that he was still awake. He could feel the other side of the bed dip with Tora’s weight, and then there was Tora’s body pressed against his back, his bare skin still warm with alcohol. Saga unconsciously stiffened as Tora threw an arm around his waist, and then Tora stilled beside him.

“Saga…? Is everything alright?” Tora asked quietly.

“Yeah. Go to sleep, Tora,” Saga mumbled, cursing himself for his reaction, wishing his body wouldn’t betray him so.

There was a moment’s heavy silence between them, and Tora began to lift his arm. Saga reached out to grasp at his fingers, breath quickening with fear. He relaxed as Tora pulled him in once more, his back pressed right up against Tora’s body. Stupid, Saga thought, to let his emotions get the better of him.

“Goodnight,” Tora whispered, pressing a kiss to Saga’s hair.

“I lov… mm, goodnight, Tora,” Saga murmured, closing his eyes.

He felt another kiss against his hair after another long moment, and Tora’s hands closing over his own, keeping them entwined. Saga wondered how long more they could stay like this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello ~ thank you for the wait! Finally updated and we will try to update weekly. I hope you enjoy this chapter as well! ^0^

The alarm on Saga’s phone rang early, waking the bassist from a night’s restless sleep. He’d woken up more than once, uneasy shapes lurking in dark dreams. He was comforted by the steady presence of Tora next to him, and his arms holding him tight. Ironic, that Tora was both the source of Saga’s troubles, and the only way to calm him down.

Saga reached out groggily for his phone, squinting as he swiped at the screen to turn off the blaring alarm. Tora grumbled beside him, clearly unwilling to wake up just yet. It was a common struggle, though Tora was on time a little more often when Saga stayed over, or vice versa. Not that Saga was always the best at being on time, but hey, he had been trying harder.  
This morning, however, Saga did not wish to leave the bed. He felt loved and secure like this, held by Tora. He could easily pretend that this was a morning like any other, without the worries that had been plaguing him from the night before. He could pretend that there was nothing wrong at all, and that he could simply lie with Tora, content in the love they shared.

But the alarm on his phone rang insistently again after several minutes, reminding Saga of the day’s activities. They had to get to the venue early, and rehearse, and go through all the preparations needed for such a big event as this. There was no time to mope over whatever problems he thought he had.

“Tora? It’s time to wake up,” Saga said, making a valiant attempt to squirm out of Tora’s hold.

“Nnn… noooo…” Tora groaned, pulling Saga back into his arms again. “Few more minutes…”

Saga sighed, an unwilling smile curving his lips. With a little more force, he tried to push Tora’s arms away from him, though he rather missed their warmth already. And it was difficult, with Tora being so much stronger and heavier than him, but by the time he was done, Tora’s eyes were fluttering open, a frown creasing his features.

“Ugh… what time is it already?” Tora mumbled, squinting at him.

“Eight. Come on, we have to eat breakfast, then shower, and then we have to go to the venue,” Saga said, suppressing a yawn.   
“Big live today, remember?”

“Live… right, PARTY ZOO,” Tora muttered, rubbing his eyes. “Still, isn’t it a bit too early?”

Saga shrugged. “Hey, you don’t want what happened yesterday to happen again, right? Your own birthday live is one thing, a big event with other bands and our seniors is another.”

“You’re right,” Tora yawned, and finally sat up.

He leaned over and caught Saga’s cheek in a kiss just as Saga turned his head away. “Good morning. Saga,” Tora said softly. “Are you feeling better?”

Saga hesitated. “Good morning, too. What… what do you mean?”

Tora’s gaze sharpened a little. “I was pretty drunk when I reached home, but I remember everything. You… weren’t happy, Saga. Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s not really anything much,” Saga said quickly. “Don’t worry about it, please. We have an important live today, after all, other things aren’t important now.”

Tora reached out to hold his hand. “Saga… I won’t force you, but… you can tell me anything. You’re my boyfriend. You can rely on me, you know? I don’t want to see you upset, and especially be unable to help.”

Saga closed his eyes, steadying himself for a moment. Slowly, he squeezed Tora’s hand, too, enjoying that moment of contact. 

“Not now. Tonight, or tomorrow, okay? It’s true we have a really important live later, so… I don’t want anything to affect that. Can you… can you give me some time, Tora? Please?”

When he opened his eyes, Tora was looking at him steadily, his smile tinged with sadness. “All right. I understand. Whenever you’re ready, okay?”

There was no way around it. Tora had never been one to give up easily. And Tora knew Saga far, far too well, from so many years’ closeness. Saga wasn’t sure that there was anything he could really hide from his lover. It had never bothered him how well Tora seemed to know him, coaxing him out of his shell and encouraging him all this time, but now – well, it was a different story altogether.

\--

They ended up running in the station, apologizing to passersby as they ran up the stairs. Why? Because yet again, Saga was taking his time. After they woke up that morning, Saga went to prepare breakfast and let Tora take a shower first; thinking that they would save more time like that. Then he got a text then from none other than their leader, reminding them to meet at Toyosu Station. The meeting time was still in two and half hours so he thought that he could still take his time. However, by the time he was done, Tora called out that it was already late while he was still trying to fit into his skinny jeans. They both hurried out then and considered taking a taxi, but the cost dissuaded them from doing so eventually.

Here they were then, not really making it in time and seeing the others waiting at the exit gate. Shou was already lost into scolding them, already used to it. The couple just apologized over and over as they caught their breaths. Nao, being the caring friend he was to Saga, patted the bassist’s back. Saga smiled appreciatively and finally took one last breath. Once they fully recovered, they started to walk out from the station to Toyosu Pit.

“I’m glad you survived back then. I was kind of worried not taking you home,” Shou said as he started walking beside the guitarist.

“I wasn’t that drunk, Shou. I know my way,” Tora chuckled as he rolled his eyes.

Hiroto walked beside Shou and joined their conversation, while Saga and Nao were behind them. Saga tried not to stare at the vocalist and guitarist too much but his eyes betrayed him. He couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable at their closeness, which was weird because he had never ever once minded. It was just like him and Nao – except that he had never kissed Nao. That was a lot of difference, wasn’t it?

“Hey, you alright?”

Nao’s voice made Saga snap back to reality. He turned to his friend and nodded.

“Yeah, sure. Why?” he said, hopefully not sounding too gloomy.

“You were staring at them. Or probably more at Tora,” Nao chuckled. “You guys okay?”

Wow, Saga had to lie so much today, knowing that he would hate himself later, but what could he do about it? They had an important live and Saga certainly didn’t want to bother Nao with his troubles too.

“Yeah, of course. We’re great, actually,” Saga smiled, hoping to convince the drummer.

“Good,” the drummer smiled. “Sorry, I just felt like you weren’t yourself today.”

Saga shrugged. “Lack of sleep for some reason. Probably too excited for today.”

“Me too. I feel like this is really gonna be big, you know?” 

Saga just responded with a sideways smile and internally cursed himself for having these troublesome thoughts right when they had an important live. Not to mention that he was also someone who couldn’t really force happiness. He could already guess that his face was going to be stiff as hell later but either way, he didn’t care. He was going to push through and get this done well.

They were immediately greeted by the venue’s staff once they arrived and were promptly led in, to be greeted by their own staff. Other band’s members were already there, or started coming in too, and further greetings were exchanged. Truth be told, Saga wasn’t really in the mood to chat, but he was a professional, and he had to be polite. He promised himself that whatever was troubling him now was not going to ruin him or the performance today. This was a big live and Saga would be damned if he let his emotions slip. After some chatting, they were led to their dressing room, taking their seats as their staff brought in their costumes.

Shou got up, gesturing for everyone to check their outfits for the live. In the middle of it all though, a staff member called for Hiroto, who promptly followed. Saga retrieved his own costume from the stand and dipped his hand into the black blazer pocket and took out a blonde fur ball.

“You’re gonna wear that?” Shou asked, looking at Saga with surprise.

“I think so. I kinda like this,” Saga said as he put back the outfit and pulled out the wig from the net.

“But your real hair is beautiful, Saga,” Tora commented from behind him.

Saga just stood there in silence, brushing away the dirt from the wig.

“Yeah, your hair is better I think than wearing this, at least for this outfit,” Shou remarked, and brushed the side of Saga’s hair.

Unconsciously, Saga’s brushed away Shou’s hand rather harshly. Both the vocalist and guitarist were surprised by the sudden action, bewildered. Nao got up from the sofa, staring at the trio in surprise. Saga panicked for a moment, though it hardly showed on his face. He stood there lifelessly for another second before putting the wig on the dresser.

“Sorry, I need to freshen up,” he said as he slipped away from Tora and Shou, then left the dressing room.

After the bassist was gone, Shou turned to his long-time friend.

“What was that?” he asked, hoping that Tora would know.

The guitarist felt Nao’s gaze on him as well, questioning silently. He just shrugged, though, and told them to let it go. Just then, Hiroto came back, aware of the heavy atmosphere inside the room. He frowned and looked back at the door, then turned back again to the other three in the room.

“Did something happen? I passed by Saga. He looked kind of disturbed,” he asked, concerned.

Tora smiled at the younger guitarist. “Everything’s fine, Hiroto. Saga was just not feeling well,” he answered, feeling bad at the lie. Well, he was sort of telling the truth though, right? Saga was indeed not feeling well, he presumed.

“Oh… Is he gonna be okay?” Hiroto asked again, frowning even more.

It was Shou this time who tried to ease his worry. “Yes, Hiro-pon. No need to worry about it,” he said, flashing his megawatt smile and walking nearer to him. “So, what did they need you for?”

Saga came back just as Hiroto finished his announcement. The four in the room turned their eyes to the bassist and Saga stopped, looking back at them in confusion.

“Um… did I miss something, guys?” he asked, chuckling a bit.

“Uh… just that our rehearsal and sound check is in an hour,” Hiroto repeated once again. “There was other stuff about tonight’s session, but that’s the important bit!”

“Oh, okay then!” Saga said, his smile indifferent.

The bassist took his seat beside the drummer then, smile turning genuine. The remaining three took their seats too across them, chairs back to back with Shou in the middle and Tora and Hiroto on either side. The make-up artists started on their base make-up.

After a while, with Shou’s base make-up finished, he was called by the venue’s staff again to check out the stage. He excused himself, following said staff member out. Hiroto started to talk to Tora and soon they were engaged in a conversation. In the middle of it, Tora could hear the happy laughter coming out of his lover and he couldn’t help but cast at a glance at the bassist through the mirror. Saga was laughing and being warm with Nao. From the looks of it, they were enjoying each other’s conversation very much.

Slight jealousy pricked Tora at that. Saga wasn’t that warm to him this morning, and he was all sullen with him. Tora didn’t even realize that he was making a face, and was noticed immediately by the younger guitarist.

“Are you two okay?” he asked curiously, but to Tora, Hiroto’s gaze was more of an interrogation.

“Huh? Yeah… Of course. We’re fine, Pon. Really,” Tora answered with a smile, hoping to convince their youngest member.

“Today is weird… I feel like there’s so much tension,” Hiroto said with a frown.

“It’s just you, maybe. Nothing is wrong, really. Maybe you’re just nervous about today but you don’t realize it,” Tora said with a chuckle.

“Is it?” The younger guitarist grinned, reaching to scratch his head but immediately put down his hand, apologising to their make-up artist.

Shou came back, clapping his hands to get his members’ attention.

“Okay guys, so the stage only fits with our second formation,” he announced.

Tora frowned and pouted. “Aw… Does that mean I’ll be apart from Saga?” he commented.

Saga’s response was carefree though. “Why that look? You feel safer in that position, right?” he chuckled.

Tora’s pout was gone in the instant Saga said that. He just kept silent and stared at the bassist through the mirror. Saga just gave that half-smile and returned to chatting with Nao again. This convinced Tora that there was something definitely wrong with his lover. His odd behaviour and the unusual cheeriness. It was not Saga at all. He knew Saga better than anyone (hopefully) and this was not Saga. He wondered what could have happened to make Saga like this, wishing Saga would just tell him as soon as possible. Everyone else in the band was starting to feel the tension too, weren’t they?

Shou sat down again, and continued with his hair and make-up. After a long while, A9 was called for rehearsal. They got up, heading for the stage. Tora watched as Saga laughed and joked with Hiroto. Again, it was a strange kind of forced cheeriness, not the calm, natural kind of happiness that Saga usually was. It was as if Saga was trying to run away from himself. 

\--

The rehearsal went well, and all of the A9 members went back to their dressing room. Well, except for the leader, once again called by the sound manager to discuss further work. They took their seats again and rested quietly for a while, until Tora left for the restroom while Hiroto said that he was going to have a chat with the other available band members (being the most social member of A9, as usual). Nao and Saga were left alone in the dressing room, their staff now out on other business.

This was the perfect chance, Nao thought. He had been dying to ask his best friend about his odd behaviour all day. Even during rehearsal, Nao noticed the distant feeling coming from the bassist, as if Saga was trying desperately to draw himself into the live and escape from himself. Nao was worried too, not because Saga might screw up the live, but rather, that Saga was pressuring himself too much. He didn’t like seeing Saga in trouble at all.

When the bassist was finally done with wiping off his sweat from his face, Nao asked without hesitation, “Spill it out, Saga.”

The bassist was taken aback by the sudden question, and he stared at his friend in shock.

“What?”

“Don’t try to hide it from me. Something’s bothering you and I’m gonna make sure you tell me about it.”

“Why?”

“Why, you say? I’m worried about you, that’s why! And don’t give me that ‘oh, don’t worry about me, I’m totally fine’ bull crap.”

Nao was staring intensely at Saga now and Saga bit his lower lip, somehow scared at the other’s seriousness. He knew that he couldn’t win his argument with Nao, not when his best friend was really trying to help him like this.

Saga sighed and finally decided to give in a bit. He leaned back into the chair and crossed his arms as he stared ahead at the wall - well, better than looking at Nao, who was definitely scaring him a little now.

“Something happened at the live yesterday,” he finally confessed.

“Tora’s birthday live?”

Saga nodded. “Yeah… something happened…between them.”

“...What happened?”

Saga really didn’t want to talk about this now. He didn’t want to get too affected by his emotions, not before a live where he could easily screw it up if he let them overwhelm him. He’d been performing for years and years, but his current feelings were such a mess he couldn’t trust himself. 

As much as Nao wanted to know, at least he had told him the crux of it, right? Details could wait for later. Yeah, maybe it was best after all to talk it out with someone he was comfortable with, a third party to the situation, before talking about it directly with the person involved.

“Nao… I really don’t want to talk about it, not right now at least. I promise I’ll tell you after this live ends,” Saga said as he turned to the drummer with pleading eyes.

Nao frowned. He really wanted to help Saga on whatever problems the other was having but if Saga really didn’t want to talk about it now, then wait he would.

“Okay. I’ll hold on to that, but can you at least tell me a bit more?”

Saga sighed again. “Let’s just say… They had an affectionate moment during the live and the after party.” He paused, and continued quietly, “And… it bothered me so much.”

Nao assumed that it was bad. As far as he knew, Saga was never one to really mind Tora’s and Shou’s friendship, or the occasional fanservice they shared, so Nao could guess that it went out of line. Surely, Tora didn’t cheat, right? No, he – they all believed that they loved each other. Heck, Nao was even sometimes sick to death of seeing their lovey-doveyness. It was something else, Nao felt. Whatever it was though, the drummer was going to find out tonight.

They both turned around when they saw their vocalist entering the room, looking confused.

“Okay, I saw Hiroto walking into the others’ rooms, but where’s the big guy?” he asked.

Nao knew that their leader was expecting an answer from Saga but the bassist just kept quiet, looking at his phone and seemingly pretending he hadn’t heard. He could even feel the tension coming from him and so Nao decided to answer instead.

“Restroom. So, what happened?”

“Oh, just wanted to tell that lunch is ready if you guys want to eat. I suggest we should eat now though because I’m not gonna let you guys mess up your costumes.”

Nao laughed. “Of course.”

Shou sat back at his own chair again and took out his phone as well. Nao turned back to the mirror and glanced at his best friend who was now dozing off. He frowned. Saga must be deeply troubled to doze off before a live. Well, during PV filming and photo shoots, maybe, but never before a live. He always made sure to get enough rest for the live. Nao took Saga’s iPhone slowly and put it on the dresser, deciding to let the man sleep for a while. It looked like Saga really needed it.

It wasn’t long before everyone was back. Nao woke Saga up, and they had their lunch before they finally changed and did their hair, touching up whatever was necessary. They all got up and Hiroto immediately dashed out from the room, saying something like he needed to take a leak. Shou just chuckled and turned back to look at the bassist. He approached the now-blond man, and took in his outfit, smiling.

“Oh wow, you pulled it off so well,” the vocalist praised.

Saga just nodded. “Thanks,” he said with a small smile before slipping away from the vocalist and exiting the dressing room.

Shou stood there, disconcerted. This confirmed Shou’s suspicions that there was really something going on with Saga because that was not the response that Shou expected. Saga usually came up with a narcissistic comeback whenever the vocalist teased him like that but this was very odd.

“Okay, that one was definitely weird!” he said and turned to look at the guitarist. “Tora seriously, what’s going on with Saga?”

Tora sighed. “Shou, I told you, he’s just not feeling well.”

“No, Tora. Even if Saga was not feeling well, he wouldn’t act like that! He looks like he’s forcing himself to be happy and he’s not even making jokes! He’s so indifferent today, especially to me! Did I do something wrong?”

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong, trust me. Saga is just having one of those moods. He’ll be back after the live so please don’t think about it.”

“But…”

“Shou, stop it. Let it go,” Nao said and put both of his hands on the vocalist’s shoulder. “We have a big live that is going to start any minute now so let it go and focus.”

Shou wanted to say more but ending up sighing. “Okay, alright. Sorry.”

Nao just smiled and turned the vocalist around, and pushed him towards the exit. They were called by the stage manager then, telling them to stand by. The members were gathered once again and after hearing the final cheer, they knew that it was their time. 

They did their usual pre-live support routine, cheering on each other. Awkwardness ensued when it was Shou and Saga’s turn. Shou could feel Saga tense up a little when Shou was about to give Saga the brotherly-hug. He decided not to mind it though, and patted the bassist’s back for support instead. Saga just smiled and patted the vocalist’s shoulder when they parted.

The last one was finally Tora and Saga. Without a care in the world, Tora reached for his boyfriend and circled his arms around the man’s shoulder. Saga didn’t return the hug instantly like he usually did, though. In fact, he hesitated, awkwardly putting his hands on either of Tora’s sides. Tora buried his face on the side of Saga’s head and planted a quick kiss on his cheek.

“Good luck, Sagacchi. You’re going to be awesome there,” he murmured softly in the bassist’s ear.

And no, it was dangerous to Saga. His emotions and troubles were slowly surfacing, threatening to spill out and overwhelm his whole being. He closed his eyes, trying to keep his emotions stable, hoping no one would notice. Just when Tora was about to let go, Saga clenched his fists, preventing him from leaving. Just a little more, he thought, and finally let go after a few more seconds, opening his eyes. The guitarist smiled at him and touched the bassist’s pointy nose before going out to the stage with a chuckle.

Saga would have pouted and chuckled along but this time, the action brought a pang to his chest. The images of Tora doing that to Shou as well emerged unwillingly from his mind. He shook the images away from his mind and took a breath. He needed to let go now and make this live awesome. Yes, he could do that, and he would.

\--

As usual, Saga felt great after yet another successful live. The audience was great and cooperative, making each of their songs come alive. He totally forgot about everything that was troubling him, and drowned himself in the music, not faking an iota of his sheer joy at performing. The closing act was also fantastic, although he didn’t participate. He just watched from behind the audience with the other bands’ members that didn’t participate also. It was indeed a magnificent way to close the curtain.

“Hey, you’re ready to go?”

Tora approached the bassist as he bid farewell to the other bands. They were already outside the venue, all ready to leave to catch the last train. Saga turned to the tattooed guitarist and smiled half-heartedly.

“Yeah, why?”

“I know we have a serious thing to talk about but the guys are asking me to go to a drinking party with them and I really can’t refuse, so…” Tora trailed off, feeling guilty.

“Oh, it’s okay. I’m planning to go back home, anyway.”

Tora couldn’t help but be taken aback at the response. “O-Oh… I thought you were…going to stay at my place again.”

“And wait for your drunken ass again? No, thank you,” Saga chuckled. “I’m sure Shou can do that job for today.”

Tora raised a fine eyebrow. “Are you upset today because I got home drunk?”

“What? Of course not, silly!”

“Then, why—”

“Tora…” Saga stepped closer. “I’ve been sleeping over at your house for a couple of days and I didn’t bring enough clothes or anything, anyway. Most of my equipment is at home, too, and I need to check if anything’s wrong. I can visit you in the afternoon though, if you really want to see me.”

“I always want to see you.”

“Okay, then we can always meet tomorrow. I really need to go home,” Saga gave his lover a reassuring smile. “Now go, they’re waiting for you.”

Tora was about to say something again but was interrupted by their drummer.

“You’re ready to go, Saga?”

The guitarist turned to look at Nao and watched as the drummer walked to stand beside Saga.

“You’re taking him home?” he asked.

“Yeah. He looks like he’s going to fall asleep anytime soon, and I can’t let that happen to him on the way home,” Nao answered with a laugh.

“He is, isn’t he? Thanks, Nao,” Tora smiled appreciatively at the drummer.

He then gestured to the back with a tilt of his chin. Nao caught on, looking at the group of men a little far behind. Hiroto was quick to get the hint, too. The little guitarist distracted the guys from the three of them and Nao smiled at Tora and Saga again. Tora nodded in gratitude and leaned in to give a quick kiss to the bassist’s forehead. They always had to be careful. Saga just stood there, staring at his lover, who so openly kissed him.

Tora smiled softly. “Be safe, okay? Tell me when you get home,” he said and turned to look at Nao. “Please, take care of him for me?”

Nao just chuckled. “You know I always will, even with or without you asking me to.”

Saga backed away from Tora, and turned away from the elder man. “Let’s go, Nao,” he said, before walking away with long strides. 

Nao bid goodbye to the guitarist and followed the other. Tora just watched as his boyfriend walked away, his mind clouded with millions of questions. He finally returned to the others after Saga and Nao were gone up to the stairs that led to the station. He smiled at his friends and told them that he was ready to go, giving them a smile although his heart was still uneasy. 

Saga’s heart felt the same, he somehow regretted letting Tora go with Shou, but Hiroto was going to, right? Still, he couldn’t shake off the feeling. The images of Shou and Tora were threatening to emerge again and he quickly shook his head, clearing his mind of those images. He needed to get away from the other man anyway and give himself some time. Yes, he needed it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, guys! We were both quite busy, and we wanted to get as much done before posting! Thank you for your patience and we hope you enjoy this!

It was definitely not the first morning that Saga had woken up alone in bed. In fact, it was a far more common occurrence than not, even after he had begun dating Tora. They both liked their personal space and did not stay over at each other’s places for more than two or three nights at a time, and even then those times had only recently begun to become more frequent.

Despite all that, Saga was unable to shake off the loneliness he felt as he woke up. He had slept dreamlessly, or if he had had dreams he could not remember them, exhausted as he had been. He found himself missing the weight of Tora’s arm around his waist, and the warmth of his large body at his back.

Despite all that, Saga thought, it was good to have some measure of breathing space and time apart from his lover.

Nao had taken him home last night with Nao’s car. They’d taken a taxi going to Nao’s place first because it was closer. They both knew that they’re going to miss the last train if one of them stayed for a while at the other’s house, and while he was reticent both in the taxi and in the car, Nao had coaxed out the full story from him. Though, threatening to hog the bathroom and not letting Saga shower before climbing into bed was certainly effective in its own way.

Saga had known Nao before any of the other members, and Nao had always been a faithful friend who understood him almost better than anyone else. There was no denying that Nao was his best friend, and wanted nothing more than to understand and help him. Spilling everything out to Nao, knowing that he would not be judged, was a bigger relief than Saga had thought possible. Nao had not interrupted Saga the entire time he spoke, only nodding and listening well, or gently encouraging him when Saga hesitated and fumbled.

“You realise you have to talk to Tora about how you feel, right?” Nao had said at last, after Saga was done, exhaling shakily and sniffing, trying to hold back the onset of tears.

“Yeah, but… It’s so hard. What is he going to say? If he’s angry, if he thinks I’m stupid for being like this…” Saga had confessed his fears, burying his face in his hands.

Nao’s steady voice, however, had calmed him. “You and I both know, logically, exactly what kind of person Tora is. No matter how he looks, he’s probably the gentlest and warmest person out of us all, and that’s saying something. Whenever you fought – and I know all couples have their moments – has he ever said anything really hurtful to you? Called you stupid, called you names?”

“No. No, he never. Even when I was blaming myself, he made sure to reassure me. Tora was never… never cruel. Sometimes he was a bit fierce, and firm, but like… you know he was just trying to get across his point, but he would never say anything horrible to me. Even if… even if sometimes, I thought things like that…” Saga had trailed off, feeling guilty. Did he even deserve someone like Tora? No wonder Tora wanted someone else better, right?

“Oh man, it’s really easy to see what’s on your mind, Saga,” Nao had said, smiling rather sadly. “Hey. Stop blaming yourself. Seriously, don’t think that you aren’t good enough or all that bullshit. Okay? I mean, it’s easier said than done, but you’re way stronger than that. Tora has rough edges too, and you smooth them out. You two make each other better. You know when Tora used to be pretty aimless and nonchalant about things, and he had times when he told us he felt useless, and he didn’t fit in? You made him better. You’ve always been there encouraging him and showing him the better side of himself. You never gave up on him. You two work together better than anyone I’ve seen, and I’ve seen both of you grow more confident, and happier, from being together.

“Something is wrong now, fine. Fix that, I know you can. You guys aren’t teenagers in the first flush of romance, you are adults, and you both know that you love each other. There is a way out of this. Whenever you guys get the chance to talk, _talk_. I don’t know if it’s all gonna be fixed in a day, and maybe you guys are still going to take some time to figure it all out, but it’s a start! It’s way better than moping and hoping everything goes away on its own. Tora’s obviously really concerned about you, too, and I’m sure he has his own worries. I know that you two can work it out. Believe in yourselves more, okay?”

It was easy to remember why Nao had been picked as the band leader in their earlier days (even if he had decided to have Shou lead instead, and Shou was certainly doing an admirable job himself). Despite Nao’s easygoing nature and apparent childlike silliness, there was no denying his maturity and the knack he had for smoothing over tensions in the band or between people in general, easily identifying problems and quietly helping to solve them with a light touch.

Saga had found himself smiling gratefully at Nao, considering every word that he had spoken. He had not raised his voice, only kept his tone firm yet kind, and the smile on his face was genuine and warm. Saga could not have been more grateful for his advice, and had thanked him for it.

“Good. Well, I’d better leave you then, you look like you really could use some sleep,” Nao had said, standing up, then frowned. “Okay, I actually do have to use the toilet, do you mind?”

Saga had laughed, shooing Nao with one hand. Thankfully, Nao really had not taken long at all, and Saga had been able to get a quick shower and go to bed without much preamble, heart feeling slightly lighter, and his body sore with exhaustion.

Now, as lonely as Saga was feeling, it wasn’t quite as insurmountable as he had perceived it to be, less than twelve hours ago. He could think more clearly now, alone and having shared his burden with someone else. His doubts still ate at him, but it was easier to keep them at bay.

Breakfast was a cup of hot tea, several pieces of toast and bacon, and a couple of bananas (the fruit an inclusion at Tora’s earlier behest to eat more healthily, which made Saga smile at the memory of having teased Tora about including bananas and peaches in his diet). As he munched on his toast, his phone buzzed insistently with a new text message. Saga wasn’t exactly surprised to find that the message was from none other than Tora.

_Good morning! Are you feeling better today? ^^_

Saga could not help but chuckle at the inclusion of the smiley face. The disparity between Tora’s appearance and his actual behaviour never failed to amuse Saga.

_Good morning. Yeah, I am. I slept well. Did you get home safe?_

He put down his phone, finishing the slice he had been eating before he received a new message.

_Yeah! Shou and Hiroto got me home, they said I was getting too heavy to drag LOL I just woke up, my head hurts sooo bad. >_<_

Saga’s heart fluttered oddly at the message. He hated how glad he was that it was both Shou and Hiroto with Tora, and that Shou and Tora had not evidently spent time alone together. What did that say about the amount of trust that he put in his own lover? Though, it was an amusing enough image regardless, considering Shou’s tall frame and inversely, his physical weakness, and Hiroto’s tiny size and surprising strength, while Tora was just as large and strong as he looked.

Tora hadn’t said anything about coming to see him, or vice versa, though. He had seemed really eager to meet up the night before. Or maybe Tora was trying to give him space, too. Saga was in two minds about it – to have more time alone to think, or to get it all over and done with? Maybe he needed more time to calm himself. They could always meet tomorrow or whenever, right? So long as they – _he_ \- did not let it drag on too long. He hesitated as he looked at his screen, fingers hovering over the keyboard. Finally, he added an extra line, and hit send.

_Take care of yourself. I love you._

It should not have made his stomach churn with anxiety to send this, to tell his own boyfriend that he loved him. But it did. He said it often enough anyway – not in every sentence or something, of course, but he meant it every time he said it, wanting to express how much he loved Tora. And – and he had not heard it back in a while. Of course he _knew_ Tora loved him (didn’t he?), but hearing him say it… would be nice.

He felt like such a lovesick teenager that it was honestly ridiculous. Nao had said about as much, hadn’t he? They weren’t teenagers, or even conceivably young adults any more. But then he had not always handled his relationships with the deftest hand – in fact, being with Tora was his only committed long-term relationship. In school his flings had always been short-lived, and as he got older he was often too devoted to music to date. Not to mention that secrecy had always been a huge issue, and those he met outside the industry were often unable to understand and cope.

Once again Saga’s phone buzzed insistently with a new message, snapping Saga out from the dark spiral of his thoughts. He picked up his phone at once, reading the message. He was almost embarrassed at how quickly he responded, but at least there was no one to see him.

_OK, you take care of yourself too._

Well, that was that. Saga could not suppress a sigh, and put his phone back down. He would finish eating, and then do some chores (he liked to keep his place as neat as possible now), and finally do some work. It provided a good distraction from his current thoughts.

Music was always a good thing to immerse himself in completely, and a healthy enough way to vent his frustrations. There were always pieces that he did not let anyone else hear, or work he did not believe was up to snuff for the band, but it was good to create music anyway, his fear and anger and sadness expressed in notes and chords instead.

It surprised him when his phone rang all of a sudden, and he looked up to see that the sky was already dark. He picked up his phone then, momentarily confused, not even looking at the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Saga. Have you eaten?” Tora’s voice asked, warm and sweet.

Saga flushed, though Tora could not see. “Uh. No. Not since breakfast.”

“Saga… were you working again? Writing music?” Tora asked, sounding just a tad frustrated, but he still sounded so gentle, so sweet, that Saga’s heart ached.

“W-well… Yeah. I lost track of time…” Saga admitted, unable to stop a smile.

Tora chuckled. “I’m glad I called. Go eat, okay? Cook or whatever, I dunno, but get dinner. All right?”

“Okay, I will. Have you had dinner, then?” Saga asked softly.

“Yeah, I’m eating at home right now, with Chicken. Looks like I’ve neglected him a little bit…” Tora said, and Saga could just hear the grin in his voice. “All right, I won’t bother you anymore. Make sure you do eat!”

“I get it. I… Um, Bye, Tora.”

“Mm? Were you about to say something?”

“Ah… it’s nothing, really!”

Silence for a second, and then, “Okay. But… you can tell me anything you want, yeah, Saga?”

“I know. But it’s really nothing important. It’s fine. Have a good dinner, Tora.”

“Mm, you too, dear. Rest well tonight, too.”

Saga ended the call then, the smile having fallen off his face. Telling Tora that he loved him seemed somewhat pointless now. Tora would know anyway.

He did eat, though, going down to the gyudon shop just a couple of blocks away. It reminded him of the time Tora had bought him gyudon the other time he was passed out drunk, and a part of him wondered if he should really be eating it now. But no other stores but that were open at that time, and he was hungry, and it was very good gyudon anyway.

Saga did one last practice of some of the next live’s songs, before going to bed. The loneliness that had surfaced in the morning cloaked him once again as he went to bed. All he wanted was that gloriously sweet night back, when he had shown up at Tora’s house at midnight, and he had felt so happy with Tora.

-

Saga took his time to get out of bed the next morning, lazily checking his phone before finally sitting up. They were only going to Kobe the day after, so he still had a free day left. A day of being alone, again, but then again he was in no mood to see anyone. Not like this.

He took his time to brush his teeth and shower, still wondering what he should do with his day. More practice, probably, and perhaps try to make more songs. It would take up a good amount of time, though he definitely had to try to remember to eat more often on his own, instead of having to be reminded by Tora.

Saga stepped out to the living room, then, and his jaw dropped. “Eh? Tora?” he blurted out, seeing his boyfriend on the couch, with a pizza box on the coffee table and his phone in his hand.

“Saga!” Tora beamed at him. “Good morning. I wanted to surprise you.”

“Y-you… well…” Saga breathed, finding tears springing to his eyes. “You did…”

Tora stood up immediately. “Saga? I’m sorry, I thought you’d be happy, I even got your favourite pizza… Are you okay? Saga?” he said, rushing to Saga’s side to hold him, which only led to more tears.

“S-sorry… I’m f-fine!” Saga hiccupped, wiping away his tears. “I just… I actually… I missed you… I wanted to see you. L-let’s eat, huh?”

It was so stupid to cry over something like this, but now Saga found it hard to control the depth of his feelings. He just wanted to fix things so badly. Just talk and figure something out at last, and finally, hopefully, have things go back to how they were, or get better. As long as they were fine again, as long as his heart wasn’t hurting so horribly thinking about Tora again.

“Okay, okay. You can tell me what’s wrong later. Take your time. It’s not quite like you to cry so suddenly…” Tora said soothingly, and kissed Saga’s forehead gently. “All right?”

Saga nodded, sitting down to eat. Tora had indeed gotten his favourite flavour, and he dug in with relish, his mood significantly improved by this. While there was a little tension in the air from Saga’s earlier behaviour, it was not hard to chat normally to Tora like they always did, their bodies pressed close together on the couch.

Tora grinned at him as Saga licked his fingers, and Saga felt heat rise up his cheeks. God, he was tempted but – this was not the time. They both knew this. Tora made to clear their trash as Saga went to wash his hands, joined shortly after by Tora. Then, finally, standing in Saga’s room, Saga took a deep, albeit shaky breath, closing his eyes.

“T-Tora… So… I haven’t really been… completely honest and straightforward with you for a couple of days. Some things… have been really, really bothering me. About… you, and us,” Saga said slowly as he opened his eyes to look at Tora, into those eyes he adored so.

“I thought as much. You’ve been acting so weird around me. So… what’s wrong?” Tora asked softly, taking Saga’s hand cautiously, and, finding no resistance, held it tighter.

Saga’s smile was brittle. “Right. Um. Before I continue… Tora, I love you. You know? I love you so much.”

“So do I,” Tora replied firmly, squeezing Saga’s hand, looking at him steadily. “I love you as well, Saga.”

Saga let out a quiet huff of laughter, tinged with bitterness and resignation. God, he’d been aching to hear those words from Tora, but in a situation like this… Still, It did not change the fact that his heart felt stronger and warmer for it, with that verbal reassurance that his feelings were returned.

“I… don’t feel loved, always. You know… I found out from Twitter that, at your birthday live, you kissed Shou and called him your husband. I know, I know, I don’t usually care about fanservice, but… I dunno, it cut deep, Tora. It feels like I’m not good enough for you. You don’t kiss me on stage much… and we’ve never even talked about marriage. I mean, fine, we can’t get married, but… if we could… I don’t know if you want me as much. You’ve never called me anything like your husband either, joking or not. Sometimes I just don’t know how seriously you’re taking us, and I should know how much you really love me but… but I don’t know, I really don’t. I don’t know if I’m fucking all this up by telling you, because I’ve never dated anyone as seriously as you. Maybe I’m just being an idiot, I don’t even know.”

Saga was somewhat relieved that he could finally start telling Tora the full story, but he couldn’t help feeling a bit anxious too when he saw the unreadable expression the guitarist had. Though, he knew that the other was simply trying to process what he just said, and come up with a reply.

Indeed, Tora was recalling the events of his birthday live. It was true that he had kissed Shou and called him ‘his husband’, but it was just a spontaneous action. He had not known that it would worry his lover so much. It was pretty much par for the course. He was comfortable and at ease with Shou… but surely, it was only because he was his best friend. Wasn’t it just that fact that made him behave the way he had?

Finally, he realized that maybe he was thinking and quiet for too long. He could sense Saga getting worried, staring at him desperately. He looked at the brown orbs that captivated him so much and tightened his hold on his lover.

“Sagacchi… I’m so sorry if it hurt you. That time, it was just done on the spur of the moment. We were both just having fun and doing silly things, playing it up for the fans. And you know how I get when I’m a bit tipsy. I say the strangest things. It really didn’t mean what you think it did. You know I’ve talked about how much I like the members when drunk, this isn’t anything different,” he tried to reason, which was true. “And about not kissing you on stage… We’ve talked about this before, right?”

“We would end up making out instead, yeah. But still, it’s always Shou you act so close to. And since the beginning, Tora. Since the beginning it’s always been him, with the fanservice, with everything. I know you guys are long-time friends but so am I with Nao. I never kissed him, either as fanservice or just being drunk. And as you said, you were tipsy, so that means you were being honest. Doesn’t that mean you really _do_ see Shou as your husband or something? You don’t realize that you’re pouring out your real feelings.”

Saga took a deep breath, momentarily stunned at the ferocity of his own words. He knew that it wasn’t entirely logical, but he’d been thinking all this for days, finally venting everything.

Tora stared at him as well, clearly aghast. Was Saga really serious about bringing up him and Shou again? Because if he was then, he needed to be convinced again once more.

“Saga, I told you before, and I’m sure you know me by now, that I take relationships seriously too, especially you. I’m taking _us_ very seriously. Heck, if I could marry you right now, I would! But circumstances mean we can’t now. I never called you ‘my husband’ because I didn’t want to make that as a joke. I want you to be my real husband someday, when it is the right time for us. And Being honest when tipsy, you know it’s not always true. Remember when we were drunk and I was scolding you and making you apologise? It’s not like that reflected my feelings towards you then, I was just drunk and easily aggravated. And please, trust me, you’re more than good enough for me. Sometimes I think that I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you because I kept unconsciously making jokes that hurt you unintentionally.”

Tora did have a point. Joking about marriage would only make reality slap them harder with how they could not wed, not as long as they led this lifestyle. Neither of them wanted it to be a joke. Tora was also right about being tipsy, Saga had to admit. He had said stuff when drunk that he hadn’t really meant either, even though his doubts were trying to overwhelm him. Still… there were other things bothering him.

“Then… why the absence of saying ‘I love you’ to me? I feel like it’s been such a long time since you told me that…”

Tora bit back an aggrieved sigh, frowning. “I show my love through actions, rather than words. You know I’m not really comfortable with saying it.”

“I know, I’m sorry. But… but… it would be nice to be reminded at least once in a week… or so… Something… Just hearing that you do love me…”

Saga knew he was being ridiculous but it was true. Like Nao said, he was naturally insecure and sensitive. He just couldn’t help it. It wasn’t usually this bad, but this was one of the times when his doubts were getting the better of him. He at least needed to know once in a while that the person he loved, loved him back. He couldn’t help but worry when Tora hadn’t told him that in so long.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll say it more from now on if that’s how I can convince you that I love you, so much,” Tora said, as he let go of Saga’s hand to cup the bassist’s cheek lovingly instead.

Saga knew that the problem must have been solved now but his emotions were taking control of him. He couldn’t stop himself from saying the things that was actually still bothering him until now.

“That’s… I sound like I’m trying to make you change. I don’t want that, I don’t want you to say you love me just to make me happy, I want you to mean it. And… and I’m always asking you to do things for me, and then you’re the one working so hard you don’t rest and I feel like a horrible… slave driver or something, not a good boyfriend, or anything. And when you said you feel safer with Nao and Hiroto instead… I really don’t feel like I’m good enough for you at all…”

“Oh my God, Saga. That’s not true. Like I said, you are more, more than good enough. I’m saying I love you because I mean it. I know how important it is to you now, so it’s fine. I do what you ask because I’m happy that you trust me, overworking is just a bad habit that has nothing to do with you,” Tora replied, a hint of heat in his voice by now, before he took a deep breath. “But that… That was a thoughtless joke, yes. I’m sorry. I know I hurt you with that one. But my favourite place on stage is being next to you. Always.”

Saga said nothing, looking down and away from Tora. Despite everything Tora said, trying to reassure him, his doubts and fears remained.

“I want to say I know, that it’s okay… I do. But… but I can’t get the images of you and Shou kissing out of my head. It’s like every time I think of you, and look at your mouth, I can only imagine you kissing Shou instead, telling him stuff you told me. You two are so close, and have known each other so much longer...”

Tora looked steadily at Saga and said firmly, “Saga, yes, Shou and I are very close. I won’t deny that, but I can tell you we have absolutely no romantic feelings for each other. We are nothing but best friends. No matter what, I still choose you. You know why? I love you. That’s as plain the truth can get.”

Saga looked up at Tora again, blinking away the tears that had long threatened to fall. “I… I don’t know. I’m sorry. I love you, too. I do. But I still can’t… stop thinking about all of this… I dunno. Maybe it’s better if you left me alone first.”

“Are you sure?” Tora asked quietly, eyes seemingly boring holes into him.

“Yes. With me being like this… please go first. It’s not helping anyone if you stay here and I’m just… avoiding you or something. I don’t feel like I can stand looking at you for now. I need to think and… stuff. Be alone,” Saga replied, after a tense second of a silence.

Tora sat there looking at him for a few long moments, while Saga assiduously avoided his gaze. Finally, Tora got up, though not before grasping Saga’s hand and squeezing it.

“If that’s what you want, then. All right. If you need me… please call me. And… take care of yourself, okay? For one, we’re going to travel to Kobe in two days, and for another… I love you. I want to know you’re okay.”

“…Thank you.”

Saga missed the warmth of Tora’s hand as soon as he let go, slowly and reluctantly. He didn’t exactly want Tora gone, but he knew he needed it. No point being moody around him, lost in the horrid labyrinth of his mind, with Tora too close by. He needed to be alone, to have his mind cleared after he finally said everything that had been on his mind.

Tora left the apartment soon, looking terribly listless. He’d been smiling so widely barely an hour or so ago, so happy at surprising Saga, bringing him his favourite pizza, trying to make him happy.

Saga was. Saga was truly touched at that, completely not expecting Tora to show up. Despite all the horrible things Saga had said, pouring out all his doubts and frustrations, accusing Tora so – Tora had reiterated how much he loved him. He had not gotten angry – perhaps frustrated, but not cruel and bitter.

Saga still did not feel worthy of Tora’s love. How could he, being what he was like right now? And yet… Tora loved him nonetheless. There was no doubt of that. Saga loved Tora just as much – despite his own fears, he knew he loved Tora, and wanted to fix it all and make it work again. Tora made him want to try harder, inspiring him to be better.

God. This was all too confusing, his mind swirling in a frenzy. Saga did the next thing he could think of, to calm himself, losing himself in music once again. Maybe he would calm down later, maybe his mind would finally clear and settle, and he would know what to do. Or maybe not. Saga did not know what else to do.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, sorry about the time it's taken to update!! We've been busy with work, but thank you for being so patient! We hope you enjoy chapter 5 too!

Tora opened his eyes with as the bullet train stopped, and heard voices around him. He sat up straight, groggily blinking his eyes. He then heard a quiet laugh from beside him, making him turn his head curiously.

“The train just stopped at the next station. Nothing happened,” the lead guitarist of A9 said with a smile.

Tora just grunted and leaned back against the not-so-comfortable seat. He was rather glad that he got the window seat - he really needed to see something beautiful to relax. It would be a few more hours until they reached Kobe, and Tora was already feeling uneasy. He looked across the seats on the other end and caught his lover doing the same, leaning his head against the seat and looking out the window, sitting beside Nao. It was a two-three seat and he was kind of glad that Hiroto was the one sitting next to him. He would be a bit troubled had it been Shou. He knew that his lover was still sensitive seeing him and the vocalist together. He was also sure that the other members already felt the tension between him and Saga because Shou had asked him to fix whatever problem they had before the live, right after they finished rehearsal for the Kobe show.

During these two days, they had had rehearsals; one for Party Zoo in Osaka and one for the three-man show in Kobe. The rehearsal for Party Zoo had, surprisingly, gone well despite the tension between him and his lover. They had both been able to hide it and rehearsed normally, interacting with the other bands after that even though they hadn’t talked to each other much. Saga had once again gone home with Nao after the rehearsal without even saying a proper goodbye to him. Tora had understood, though, and decided to just let it go, going home alone with a taxi as always.

The next day however, had been a mess. The strain had been obvious, their problems beginning to affect the band. They had started off well, practicing as usual and making arrangements here and there. It had been after their lunch break that tensions rose. It all started with Saga missing a few notes and of course, the bassist had apologized but Tora could still hear the strangeness of the notes. After a few songs, the bassist had kept on playing different notes again and that had been when Shou began to raise his voice.

“Saga! Are you okay? We need to focus, the show’s in two days!”

Saga had still been patient, and apologized.

Shou would not have that, though. “I appreciate it, but that isn’t enough! I need you to fix things and concentrate! What’s going on with you today?”

Saga had not been able to hold himself back, lashing out as well. “Oh, go fuck yourself with my boyfriend!”

Everybody had frozen the instant Saga said that, the ensuing silence heavy and oppressive. Saga had been shaking as he looked down at his feet, with the rest staring at him, completely taken aback. He had started to walk – no, _run -_ away then, muttering that he would be back before exiting the studio. Tora had been torn whether or not to run after his boyfriend or not but before he could make a decision, Shou was already interrogating him.

“Tora, tell me this instant what the hell Saga meant by that!”

Tora had been confused, not knowing what to do. He had not wanted the others to know what their problems were, but neither did he want to lie, so he had done the only thing he had in mind.

“Sorry Shou, I’ll go talk to him,” he had said as he slipped out of the studio, ignoring the frustrated call from their leader.

He had instantly known where the bassist had gone and barged in, unsurprised at the unlocked door. An old, unused storage room, the place of several mid-practice trysts during breaks, and more than large enough for them. The bassist had turned abruptly, his face red with anger. Tora had locked the door and turned slowly to face the furious man.

“Saga… what was that?”

No answer.

Tora had heaved a sigh and tried once more, calling firmly, “Saga.”

“I slipped.”

“What is it this time?”

Saga had been silent for a few seconds before he sighed, seemingly calming himself down. With eyes still avoiding Tora’s he had finally confessed, “You had lunch together and I saw you… leaning against each other so closely…”

“We were trying not to talk too loudly.”

“But did you have to be that close?”

“In fact… yes. It was pretty quiet and relaxed, and there were others around, so we didn’t want to bother people.”

Saga had not been able to say anything to that, then. He had just kept quiet, and that was when Tora decided to approach the other man. He had then stood before the bassist, reaching out for Saga’s hands hesitantly. The younger man had not moved, and so Tora had lightly held both of Saga’s hands.

“Do you not want me to be around Shou for a while?” he had asked softly.

Saga had still been quiet, his mind in overdrive. He had still felt uneasy seeing the two together, but he didn’t want to be the jealous boyfriend either. He had never wanted to become a hindrance to their friendship, but there were just times when it became too much for him, especially when his mind was still full of long-past incidents.

The younger man had shaken his head and kept on standing there like a statue. Tora hadn’t known what to do. He hadn’t known if he should comfort his lover, or just wait for him to calm down. His agony had seemed to end when Saga finally let go of Tora and started to walk away. Before the bassist could reach the door though, the tattooed guitarist had stopped him, lightly grasping his slender wrist. Saga hadn’t looked back at him, though Tora stared at the back of his head.

“Saga…we promised not to let our private lives affect the band…” Tora had reminded him quietly.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

With that, Tora had finally let go of the bassist’s hand and waited for Saga to leave. Releasing a heavy sigh, Tora had finally followed suit. When they had both entered the studio again, Nao, Shou and Hiroto had been sitting on the floor, quietly talking. They had looked up at the couple and Tora just smiled apologetically. Saga had taken his bass again from the stand and set it up.

“Sorry… Let’s continue,” he had said.

The rest had gotten up, walking to their respective positions. Tora had seen Shou burning with curiosity, but eventually deciding not to question Saga further. Tora had been relieved, though there had still been guilt that the whole mess involved his friendship with Shou.

He had taken his position too, and once again they had started to rehearse. Thankfully, there had been no other problems till the very end, though Saga had been quick to leave with Nao. Shou had asked Tora once more to try to fix things and talk to Saga, as Tora had just meekly apologized.

Tora now hoped, desperately, that Saga would come around soon. The truth was that he missed his lover. He didn’t want to hold on to these frustrated feelings towards the other man while doing a live, again.

Tora took one glance again at Saga before finally closing his eyes, hoping to get some sleep before they arrived.

\--

Saga watched Tora from the corner of his eyes as the orange-haired man leaned further against his seat before closing his eyes. The bassist turned completely to look at the other then, staring at the tired guitarist. His mind filled with what had happened between them for the past two days. Saga indeed hadn’t contacted Tora at all. Even when they did meet, they had not interacted much because Saga was still overwhelmed by his emotions. His heart was still a mess and he was still feeling a little bit skittish towards Shou even though he knew that the vocalist hadn’t done anything wrong to him. He knew that how unreasonable and childish he was being, but he could not quite help himself. There were times when he was really bothered by something that could actually be easily solved but sometimes his emotions got the better of him.

He had been thinking and thinking why it bothered him so much. He had not been this bothered when a similar incident happened during their Supernova Symphonia tour… Tora had explained everything but still, why was his heart so stubborn? He could’ve just fixed things and didn’t have to experience those two sleepless nights thinking about it, which caused that rehearsal incident. Deprived of sleep, he had been thoroughly irritable and oversensitive. He had felt guilty afterwards, though, and hadn’t had the courage to apologize to Shou. But being the nice person Shou was, he had still greeted him this morning as if nothing had happened yesterday.

Maybe it was really time to just fix things and end this childish act. There was no use being like this, other than simply distancing the relationship between him and Tora even more.

“You miss him, don’t you?”

Nao’s voice broke Saga’s train of thoughts and the bassist immediately turned to the drummer. Nao was smiling at him. It was that soft smile that the bassist knew so well. Saga turned his head again to look at his sleeping lover. Truth to be told, he did miss Tora, so very much. He missed being at his side and joking around together.

“It’s been two days, Saga. I think it’s finally time to just let go and fix things. It’s no use if you just keep moping around,” Nao suggested softly.

Maybe Nao was right. Maybe it was finally time because it really didn’t help him to keep moping. Tora, after all, did convince him, did he? And it was unfair to Tora too, because the man had apologized, and was trying so hard to be patient, and understanding, despite Saga’s outbursts and irrationality.

Saga turned back again to Nao and said, “Nao… can I…?”

The drummer just chuckled. “Of course, silly.”

The bassist finally smiled for the first time in two days. He thanked Nao and turned to look at Tora once more.

\--

Tora opened his eyes again, but feeling more relaxed now. He was glad that he was able to take a nap. Though there was something that confused him. He remembered clearly that he leaned against his seat before passing out but why did he wake up leaning against something else instead? He eyes moved sideways with his head still leaning against something warm, he finally realized the neck of someone he knew too well.

“Saga…” He uttered thick with surprise.

Without looking away from the iPhone he was currently occupied with, he said, “Oh… you’re awake.”

Tora shifted his head and saw the drastic change of the seat positions. Shou and Hiroto were seating at the two seats while Nao was sitting beside Saga. He couldn’t help but smile softly at the surprise. He also wondered how deep his nap was for Saga to be able to move beside him without waking him. No matter, he was happy.

“How much longer until we get there?” He asked, leaning his head deeper into the bassist’s shoulder.

“30 minutes or so…” Saga answered still not turning to him.

Still, Tora didn’t care. This little gesture already told him enough that his boyfriend was ready to finally talk this out again and fix things. He couldn’t help but feel excited now, seeming to cannot wait for them to arrive and maybe they will be okay after all before tomorrow’s live.

He was not sure whether to push Saga a little more, and carefully reached over to take his hand. There was no response for a moment – but at least he was not pushing him away, and it heartened Tora. Slowly, he felt Saga lace their fingers together, though the latter still did not look at him.

It was enough, for now, and Tora could not resist smiling to himself, simply holding Saga’s hand and resting on his shoulder. He closed his eyes again, and felt Saga lean just a little closer to him.

It seemed rather too soon when he was awoken once again, though the fact that it was Saga gently shaking him awake made him feel much better.  “We’re reaching in a few minutes,” Saga said quietly, once Tora turned to look at him.

“Mmkay. Ow, my neck’s starting to ache,” Tora said, stretching his neck from side to side.

“Old man,” Saga murmured.

Tora smiled at that, and squeezed Saga’s fingers gently. “Well, you’re not that much younger yourself. Who was the one complaining of neck aches on tour?” he teased.

Saga’s face flushed prettily as he turned his head away, and said quickly, “W-well, even teenage fans complain of pains after lives. That stuff gets pretty intense.”

“All right, you’re always young and beautiful,” Tora grinned, and Saga’s face turned even redder, though Tora could swear he saw the corners of Saga’s mouth lift up.

This was even more encouraging – he hadn’t seen Saga blush and smile so in a while, reacting to his gentle jibes in such a way. Saga still seemed pretty closed off, certainly, but it was, finally, a step forward.


End file.
